Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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