i was born a porn star she said
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
This baby is an asshole
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
