my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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