Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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