Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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