he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
