I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Holy shit dude........stairs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
