Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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