I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
