Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
