Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
