So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
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they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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