Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
