Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
