I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
