i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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