Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
