The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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