You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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