you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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