i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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