I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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