I wish I could teleport
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
