I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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