The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
