oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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