Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
