My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Randomize
