Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
