but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
