she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize