where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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