I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
