Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
