I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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