I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
