I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
