apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
