Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
