it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
