Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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