We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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