how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
