wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
