My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
