we made out on top of his cat.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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