I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
