You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
