If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
