her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
