Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
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