I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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