PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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