Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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