She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
