WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
