i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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